Queen of Canada Announces Start of Annual Hunger Games

(AP / J Pat Carter)
(AP / J Pat Carter)

The Queen of Mainland Canada made her first public appearance of 2015 to declare the commencement of the annual Hunger Games. The queen, dressed in traditional Royal garb, made the announcement on state-run television Thursday night.

The games are an annual ritual where all 13 conquered provinces and territories pay tribute to the conquering Socialist Empire of Canada. The games are held at the begining of each year and conclude on Canada Day. They are held as a metaphor representing the War of Confederation; a 50 year struggle which decided on which of Canada’s two official languages, English and French, would appear first on billingual public documents. To both punish and remind the individual regions of the cost of the rebellion and civil war, the Canadian Empire now demands the immediate extraction and exportation of each region’s natural resources as well as a tribute to compete each year in the annual blood sport. In exchange, the Empire provides periods of intermittent coast defence, long-hospital wait times, mismanagement of rural industries by urban bureaucrats and the peace of mind brought through high levels of taxation.

The tributes from the Atlantic region to compete in the games this year are as follows:

Contender Profiles

Newfoundland : Snook

Snook

St. John’s iconic corner-boy. Bookies accross the nation have given Snook a high chance of winning the competition for Newfoundland this year. Snook, like most Newfoundlanders with his heavy accent and quick tongue has the ability to quickly confuse his opponent, disarming them momentarily before striking. Despite a history of problems with Newfoundland competitors caused by malnutrition, Snook assures us he has been getting plenty of that ‘good grub’ paid for with ‘out west’ money.

Nova Scotia: Sidney Crosby

1280_sidney_crosby

‘Sid the Kid’ as he is called in his homeland of Nova Scotia is heavily favoured to win in this years games. He volunteered himself as a tribute to compete when his elderly grandmother from Cole Harbour was first picked in the province’s annual raffle. Since she had originally thought she had won at bingo and the provincial government again refused to admit responsibility, Sid was quick to take her place. Sid, with his professional experience at slaping around a bladed stick, and his thigh muscles that could easily rip off a mans head (You know, if he’s into that sort of thing..) should have no problem with the aggressive combat.

 

Prince Edward Island: A potato farmer

potato_farmer

This year the province of PEI sends a member of one of it’s infamous warrior clans, a potato farmer. The farmer who is trained from birth in hand-to-dirt combat is well experienced in battle. The noble race has been locked in an ongoing century long conflict with the province’s lobster fishermen over which industry is more iconic and stereotypical of the Island. There has been no statement made by the competitor yet himself. He is rumored to currently be meditating in the house of Anne of Green Gables, awaiting a blessing from the soul-less red-headed spirit that haunts its halls and forms the regions one true religion.

 

New Brunswick: ?

unknown-person

Rumor has it that this year New Brunswick is trying a new tactic. Constantly forgotten by the federal government of the Empire in terms of both services and respect, the province is not sending a tribute hoping that they will again be ‘forgotten about’. Penalties for not submitting a tribute are severe, with possible military action and marshal law being enforced in the region. We speculate however that New Brunswick will be fine and forgotten about, unless they improperly submit their automated telephone employment-insurance questionaire.

This year promises to be interesting; Usually the Empire enters their own battle hardened candidate to compete and eliminate any chance of the provinces winning. This year however, Captain Canada is currently tied up in a non-confrontational, humanitarian and politically correct training role to combat ISIS militants in the Middle-East.

CaptainCanada_herald
Regardless of Captain Canada’s absense, the Empire assures us that it will indeed continue to find a way to ‘fuck us all’.

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